The Most Iconic Pictures of Donald Trump Ever

If I were in charge of a media outlet, these are the stock photos I would run alongside stories about him.

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Looks about right.

Might be light blogging today. My ankle’s not feeling great and these pain meds are making me feel kind of bleg. I have an appointment on Friday to switch the splint I’ve had on for the last 2 weeks for a hard cast and supposedly this will make me feel like a new woman. Here’s hoping. Prayers, good vibes, incense or whatever welcomed!

Oh, America, How Do I Love Thee?

It’s good to remember that one of the hallmarks of American character, going right back to the very beginning, has been that we tend to be uncooperative when we see fit. We enjoy a strong rule of law, but that’s never been one of the markers of our identity as Americans. Throwing tea into the harbor, running underground railroads and putting up speakeasies is more our style.

So, in that grand tradition, and because you deserve a laugh, allow me to share with you the response of the American people to Mike Pence’s attempt to get people to come to Trump’s inauguration. I’ve linked to it, but given the tenor of the comments, I expect it will be taken down at some point. So if the link doesn’t work, enjoy some screen shots of loyal Americans being assholes for the cause.

First we have the “things I’d rather do” category of comments:

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Then there’s the cracks about the Russians:

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The political sniping:

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And it appears that many people have other engagements on that day:

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Many people plan will be available for future events, however:

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And then there’s the matter of your everlasting soul to consider:

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America. Home of the free and the land of the smartass.

 

 

Is This the End Times Delusion?

I’m pretty sure Christian enthusiasm for Trump, where it exists, is the end times delusion the fundies have been trying to warn us was coming. For those of you who aren’t in the know, it’s a common teaching in some Christians circles that in the end times, there will be a delusion sent by God which causes people to call good evil and evil good. The term delusion comes from 2 Thessalonians 2:11-12 which saysFor this reason, God will send them a powerful delusion so that they will believe the lie, in order that judgment will come upon all who have disbelieved the truth and delighted in wickedness.…” This verse is often connected with Romans 1:28 which says, “Furthermore, just as they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, so God gave them over to a depraved mind, so that they do what ought not to be done.”

Of course, probably since the afternoon after Paul wrote his words about powerful delusions and depraved minds, people have been claiming that this or that event is evidence that the end times delusion is happening. Depending on where they fall on the crazy train, they may claim that anything from the acceptance of homosexuality to the alien cover-up is evidence of that the end times delusion.

Anyways, I’m calling it now: the fundies were right. Turns out that in the end times, there really is a great delusion where good is call evil and evil is called good. Too bad they never were much good at being able to tell which was which. I’m sure God will help them figure it out. Soon, I hope.

BTW, if you’re interested in an alternative and actually, you know, SANE examination of the so-called “end times”, you can go check out my writing on the subject here.

Several Times a Year, This Comes to Mind

Several years ago I came across a story about an amazing little book called Be Bold With Bananas which is described by a high-end art book seller on Abe Books as “an imaginative cook book issued in the 1970s by the South African Banana Board” and  an “unusual and eccentric photo book”. It made quite the impression on me and is something I find myself remembering several times a year at least. And now it will come to your mind several times a year at least too, because what has been seen cannot be unseen:

Book Riot’s take on it still makes me laugh:

This monstrosity is called a Banana Candle, which consists of a banana stuck in a pineapple slice, with mayonnaise and a maraschino cherry on top. And it is a crime against nature. If someone brought this into my home, I would slap them, and then burn my house down and salt the ground where it stood. This photo is the reason flocks of birds inexplicably die and fall to the ground. Goats and gangrene, who approved this picture??? Imagine my horror – I actually touched this book.

The book looks like it started with conversations among bored dock workers during the slow season about what you could make with bananas. And photographed by an extremely sarcastic marketing team. Like, what the hell is this supposed to be?

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Is that a turkey under there? Did they glaze bananas onto a turkey? And paper crowns on the ends of the bananas? Really? I just really hope that’s a plastic turkey under there and no one actually had to spend hours roasting a one perfectly to get this picture.

What brought this gem to mind was a picture a friend recently shared on Facebook of a recipe card from Mccall’s Great American Recipe Collection:

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The early 70s need to explain themselves is all I’m saying.

 

On A Much Lighter Note, I Have Discovered the Real Reason People Voted for Trump

This was a friend in North Carolina’s view during her morning commute yesterday:

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She says, “I have to hand it to him – he has practically not missed a single cliché on his rolling political/societal commentary billboard. The only thing I can think is an NRA sticker and a picture of an aborted fetus.

“I need tons of tile for some remodeling projects I have coming up. Thousands of dollars worth of tile. Guess where I won’t be buying it?  I always wonder about people who feel the need to plaster their car with such bold indicators of their political bent and worldview. It’s risky business. If that was his personal car I would say whatever. However, this is a business vehicle. Apparently he does not care who he offends, nor how much business it may cost him. I’m serious – I will not purchase my tile from this guy knowing that he sees the world this way. There’s plenty of other places to spend my money.”

And it hit me what happened. The only people who will do business with this guy are the people who agree with him. So he’s regularly being praised for being so outspoken which leads him to think this means that most people agree with him. He blames the fact that business is slow on Obama ruining the economy. As all his customers agree he has. Probably those damn illegals smuggling tile over the border and installing it on the cheap, they say. Obviously, the country needs Trump to fix the problem. ‘Merica!

Don’t Worry; I Have Found Our Escape Plan

So, all this stuff about Donald Trump and the danger of our situation is scary as hell. But don’t worry – I was reading through conspiracy theories on the internet a while back, and it turns out that rescue is on it’s way. The aliens have it worked out. Among the many things I learned in my foray into the world of ancient alien conspiracies are the following (and no I didn’t make any of this up – these are real things that people believe):

Jesus is currently incarnate and working as a secret service agent in the White House.

There is a portal to the New Jerusalem in the White House.

The center of Saturn is a tetrahedron diamond which contains a meeting place for the Galactic Federation.

The flood was caused by planet Marduk going super-nova and blasting all the water off Mars onto Earth.

Noah and his family survived this event by taking their submersible ark to the north pole and going through a portal underground while things on the surface settled.

Jesus used to be a private helicopter pilot in this incarnation and did traffic reports.

He also killed his commanding officer in Vietnam after being given orders to kill civilians and then killed everyone up the chain of command responsible for the order. This is why the book of Revelation says when he returns his robes will be dipped in blood.

The Federal Reserve is being sued by the “Dragon Family” – a Chinese family descended from peaceful aliens who hold quadrillions of dollars in US treasury notes they received in exchange for gold prior to fiat currency

Master Lady Nada has been appointed special prosecutor by the International Court of Justice and will be announcing a plan to re-organize the world economy which includes giving each person $10 million dollars and the arrest of every member and servant of the dark cabal which is currently in control. This will happen before Obama leaves office.

There are cloaked Galactic Federation ships currently stationed above every major city which will reveal themselves shortly after Master Lady Nada’s announcement.

President Obama participated in a secret program which used portals to send people to Mars back in the early 80s.

Patrick Fitzgerald will be appointed acting Attorney General when Master Lady Nada has our Supreme Court disbanded.

I am willing to believe every bit of this in exchange for $10 million.

#ancientalienconspiracytheories #itsweirdoutthere #givememymoney

I Probably Shouldn’t Say This . . .

OK, I just want to say at the outset that what I am about to say is not in anyway meant to insult Jesus. I would swear it to you, but Jesus says not to swear on anything. But you should know that that’s how much I mean it when I say that I’m not insulting Jesus. So don’t go taking this all the wrong way . . . But . . .

Did you know that pretty much everything Jesus said could totally come out the mouth of the sort of drunken, bitter man who yells at people at the bar?* Before you get mad, just stop and think of something Jesus said that you can remember off the top of your head. Go ahead. Do it. Think of something else he said. It’s true, isn’t it? I mean, I haven’t done an intense reading of the gospels with this idea in mind, but I’m still pretty sure this is a thing.

Now, I’m not at all saying that Jesus was a drunken bitter man who yelled at people at bars. But isn’t it interesting that you could put the entire Sermon on the Mount into the mouth of some drunk, embittered wise man in a bar and it would totally be believable. You couldn’t put those words in the mouth of Herod or a congressman and get anyone to believe they meant it.

Or maybe Jesus was a bit of a comedian. Maybe he said, “blessed are the poor” and the crowd roared with laughter.

Maybe he was a specialist in the absurd. He could tell stories about a woman throwing a party because she found her coin and people would laugh knowingly at the irony of it.

In my head and in the movies and at church, Jesus words are always spoken in a flat, peaceful sort of way with an edge of what was suppose to be authority. But that’s not how people speak. And Jesus was a real, live people. But we’ve lost the tone. The words go flat and lose their power. We hear words of revolution and comfort and bitterness and humor and they all come out just the same. We can rely on scholars to help us tell one from the other.

But what we really need to do, I suspect, is to imagine the words coming out of a drunk guy. Or a smart ass. Or a person smiling as they die.

Imagine that Jesus’ words were your words. Could you really say with conviction that those who hunger and thirst for righteousness will be satisfied without being bitter or angry or mocking?

When you give Jesus’ words personality, you start to discover that after all this time, they still have power after all. They bring you up short with the power of “I never saw it like that before”. They take you to a place where you could understand why the drunk man is so bitter and why the people laugh and encourage him to keep sharing his thoughts. For entertainment if nothing else.

It starts to dawn on you that Jesus couldn’t just say these things without understanding at a deep level what they mean. Because they aren’t easy things to say honestly when you’re not drunk or bitter or cynical or asleep or laughing. But Jesus said them and meant them.

In fact, it turns out that after 2000 years, his words can still change a person and how they see the world. Or at least that’s how it’s been for me. Maybe you’re too hung up on me conflating Jesus with an angry drunk guy to find out for yourself. 😉

*I did not come up with this pseudo-blasphemous idea of Jesus as a bitter drunk guy, btw. Someone else pointed it out to me but I can’t remember who for the life of me. But they were right – it does work!

The New Year’s Resolution That Will Actually Make Your Life Better

calvin-hobbes-new-years-resolutionsI hate New Year’s resolutions.  Hate them.  The worst New Year’s days for me were always the ones when my husband would pull out a piece of paper and write “Trotter Family Resolutions” across the top.  So we could “pull them out at the end of the year and see how we did”.  Great, another completely unrealistic standard to feel bad about not meeting.  Just what I need!

The other day I read an article which advised that the key to keeping this year’s resolutions was to set up specific targets.  Like “I will exercise 3 times a week and lose 25 lbs by April 1.”  Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha!  Seriously.  That’s what it said.  Like the two are related.

Let me tell you how this really works. I’m not thin.  But I do have standards: my belly must not poke out past my boobs.  Having and nursing 5 kids has given me some wiggle room to work with, but a couple of years ago, the belly was threatening to overtake the girls upstairs so I decided it was time to get serious about hitting the gym.  I worked out 4-5 times a week for an hour.  Heavy, sweating, gasping for air aerobic sessions.  Nothing.  2 months in I think I had lost 0″ and 3 lbs.  That’s a lot of sweating for no results.  So I did the obvious; I bought a nice push-up bra.  Problem solved!  Now that’s a New Year’s resolution I can get behind: buy undergarments that will make me look thinner. Continue reading

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Laughing At Inappropriate Things

Now, this may come as a shock to some of my long time readers, but sometimes I make jokes that people thing are inappropriate. Like maybe I throw out an animal sex joke in the middle of a discussion of scripture. Which I don’t think anyone should be offended at; animal sex jokes and scripture go waaaaaay back. But you know, there’s just no pleasing some people.

The thing is that this isn’t a problem that’s confined to my writing. I frequently laugh at things other people don’t think are funny. For example, I was once telling a couple of women the unbelievably hilarious story about my wedding. As I got to the part where my uncle got set on fire, I looked at one of the women and realized that she had started crying. Which both made me feel bad and made me laugh even harder. 

Conversely, I’ve been known to laugh at things people say, thinking they were joking only to discover that they were perfectly serious. And, you may not realize this if you have better social skills than I do, but that’s uncomfortable. Yeah.  Continue reading

Parenting Genius

Honest to goodness, there’s nothing that makes me happier than some good parenting. Those times when you or someone else says something to a kid that is honest and real and makes the world a little more manageable for them to navigate. The things that they’ll repeat to themselves when they need some wisdom or encouragement or a kick in the pants later.

If the world worked the way it should, the news would include highlights of parenting genius that anonymous parents spouted off that day rather than reports about celebrities boinking and abandoning each other. But I suppose the logistics of such a thing would be a nightmare. Which is why we all know that J Lo and Casper just broke up, but have no clue that this afternoon a woman down the street said things that helped her child be less afraid of dying one day.

This is why I’m a big fan of Shit My Dad Says. I think I mentioned it once before, but for those who missed it, Shit My Dad Says is the creation of a writer with a sharp eye about his great, foul mouthed dad. It’s funny and wise and much more profound than anything with that much swearing and crude humor has a right to be. His father is a parenting genius, if you ask me.

Anyhow, GQ has a Shit My Dad Says post up for Father’s Day that I loved and wanted to pass on to y’all. The dad talks like I do if I’m not careful, so there’s lots of swearing involved. But if you mind that, you probably aren’t reading my blog. Anyhow, the context is that the son froze up during a big baseball game and lost the game for his team:

My dad walked down two rows from the metal stands and tossed a soda he was drinking in the garbage. He headed toward the parking lot a hundred feet away and I followed him in silence until we got to the car.

“You pitched well,” he said.

“I lost the game for us,” I said, then burst into one of those cries where all available tears and mucous shoot out of your eyes and nose at once.

“Now hold on,” he said.

“Don’t try and tell me I didn’t lose the game for us,” I said, as a snot bubble formed in both nostrils.

“Shit, I was there son. That ball flew out of your hand like you were setting a fuckin’ dove free. You got no argument here.”

“Then what are you gonna say? I know it’s just a game, okay?” I said, trying to calm my heaving breaths.

“What I was gonna say was, your coach is full of shit. It ain’t ‘just a game.’ This is a big goddamn deal,” he said, leaning his back up against the passenger door.

Continue reading