I say funny things – $.99 ebook

Download this book today and tomorrow (Feb 1 and 2, 2012) for FREE from Amazon!

My dear, departed Grandad used to say, “life is serious business!”  And he wasn’t joking.   Nobody was.  As a matter of fact, the first time I remember encountering someone who was joking was in my 5th grade math class.  My teacher had a book of insults that he read from everyday.  I learned to have a sense of humor listening to those daily insults.  I knew that I was sorely lacking in the humor department, but I like to think that after spending 9 months devoted to the study of insults tame enough to tell 10 year old, I caught up right nice. ;p

I Say Funny Things is a collection of some of my best humor writing.  Perfect for when you need a quick guffaw, chortle or LOL.  Whether it’s a showdown at high noon with my dog or telling my kids not to lick yogurt off the windows, it’s all handled with good humor and a slightly skewed perspective.  It’s the most fun $.99 can buy you since they raised the price on the horsie ride outside of Kmart!


Buy for $.99 on Amazon.com

My Dog’s an A-Hole

Hobbes the dog

A short bus turned down my street just as I was about to cross the highway to the new, largely undeveloped subdivision on the other side.  Hobbes joyfully took off running and barking.   I had a nightmarish vision of him menencing some poor disabled kid and their helper as they try to off-load a wheelchair.  Their only hope would be that the sight of a chair lift would send Hobbes into such spasms of excitement that he would hyperventilate from all the barking and pass out.

Sex Ed in the Trotter Household 

“We think s-e-x is a good code word.  We don’t want to just go around saying sex, that would be kind of weird.”

No Crapping in the Middle of the Living Room!

you can almost imagine the exasperation that God must have experienced having to tell people, “no, you cannot have sex with animals. That’s gross.”


– It occurs to you that if you kick your oldest child really, really hard you could have everyone in the house crying at the same time.

Unclear on the Concept

“Dead crickets are still lucky!”

Beware the Dangers of French Kissing!

When my friend was a freshman in college and his brother was a senior in high school, their dad decided it was time for “the talk”. So he sat them down and handed out helpful advice like “if you keep one hand in your pants pocket at all times you can’t get in too much trouble”.

Does This Mean They’re Going to Grow Up to be Terrorists?

 if you screw it up, chaos can erupt with animals eating each other, and terrorizing patrons, etc.  Which, if I understand correctly you are supposed to try and avoid.  Because it’s bad for business.

My Son, the Pimp

Before I start, I say to my problem child, “Collin, Please don’t do anything dumb.”

To which Collin responds with some Eddie Haskel like assurance that he would never do such a thing again. He’s older and wiser now, you see.

I Say Funny Things ebook – $.99


Buy for $.99 on Amazon.com




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