Category Archives: kids

  • Wasn't Noah Cute?

    Children: What’s the return on investment?

    February 25, 2012

    5 Comments

    Wasn't Noah Cute?

    I clipped this essay out of the local paper 10 years ago and don’t know who the original author is, but wanted to share:

    For all parents and grandparents . . .

    The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140. This does not touch college tuition.

    For those with kids, that figure leads to wild fantasies about all the money we could have banked if not for (insert child’s name here). For others, that number might confirm the decision to remain childless.

    But $160,140 isn’t so bad if you break it down. It translates into $8,896.66 a year, $741.38 a month, or $171.08 a week. That’s a mere $24.44 a day – just over $1 an hour.

    Still, you might think the best financial advice says don’t have children if you want to be “rich”. It is just the opposite.

    What do you get for your $160,140?

    Naming rights. First, middle and last.

    Glimpses of God every day.

    Giggles under the covers every night.

    More love than your heart can hold.

    Butterfly kisses and velcro hugs.

    Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds and warm cookies.

    A hand to hold, usually covered with jam.

    A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kits, building sandcastles and skipping down the sidewalk in the pouring rain.

    Someone to laugh yourself silly with no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day.

    For $160,140 you never have to grow up. You get to finger-pain, carve pumpkins, play hide-and-seek, catch lightning bugs, and never stop believing in Santa Claus.

    You have an excuse to keep reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh, watching Saturday morning cartoons, going to Disney movies and wishing on stars.

    You get to frame rainbows, hearts and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, handprints set in clay for Mother’s Day and cards with backward letters for Father’s Day.

    For $160, 140 there is no greater bang for your buck. You get to be a hero just for retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof, taking the training wheels off the bike, removing a splinter, filling the wading pool, coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless.

    You get a front row seat to history to witness the first step, first word, first bra, first date, and first time behind the wheel.

    You get to be immortal. You get another branch on your family tree, and if you’re lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren.

    You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications and human sexuality that no college can match.

    In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there with God.

    You have all the power to heal a boo boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love them without limits so one day they will, like you, love without counting the cost.

  • encouragement

    Raise a child up and whaaaaa?

    February 3, 2012

    1 Comment

    Train a child up in the way that he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it. ~ Proverbs 22:6

    Awww, isn't he just precious? Bless his heart.

    This is a much used and much abused scripture verse when it comes to parenting.  Many parents hold onto it while raising their kids and think it means “If I teach him right from wrong, he’ll stay on the straight and narrow.”  These same parents all too often find themselves wondering if maybe this was one of those bible verses which shouldn’t be taken too literally some years later.  Sometimes it can be the source of a great deal of heartache.  But there are several problems with the way this verse is often read.

    First of all, there’s the “in the way that he should go” issue.  I have written before about how our children come with their own personalities, needs and journeys to walk.  Teaching kids right and wrong is a small part of parenting.  It simply says “this is how people should behave.” That’s an entirely different issue than actually raising a kid.  To raise a kid, we need to show them ”here’s how to walk the path you will need to walk.” 

    The word “way” – Hebrew darkow – indicates a path or journey.  When used in reference to God it indicates his way of doing things.  We will each have our own way of doing what God requires of us.  This is what we need to prepared for.  Simply exhorting good behavior and punishing bad isn’t going to cut it, imo.

    Secondly, it should be noted that the promise’s fulfillment is “when he is old”.  Continue reading »

  • Rolling your eyes is a good parenting technique

    January 22, 2012

    2 Comments

    Collin is learning to be a really funny, crabby 45 year old man. Unfortunately he’s stuck being 12 at the moment.

    Want to do something amazing for your relationship with your kids?  Engage in this thought exercise:

    Think of a good friend; someone you genuinely like and care about.  (Don’t use your spouse – too many in-law issues!)  What sort of parent would you want for that friend? If you were somehow able to go back and parent your friend yourself, how would you do it?

    I have found that by looking at a friend, who I don’t really have a vested interest in trying to change, I can envision what it would look like for me to parent with more patience, wisdom and acceptance.  It’s helped me come to see my kids for what they are.  They are their own persons who have both the right and the responsibility to figure out who they  are and what sort of life they want to live. What they are not are extensions of me or proof of the worth of my life or even my skills as a parent.

    This is so clear to us when dealing with any human being other than a child – particularly your own.  Then we are prone to respond to their imperfections, independence and petty rebellions by going into whatever our version of full-blown panicked-tyranny mode is to cow them into pleasing us.  And that’s hard on both parent and child.  Even as a kid it always seemed to me that both my father and my grandfather would have liked to be more gentle and empathetic than they were with their children.  But they were convinced that if they didn’t make sure we stayed not just on the straight and narrow but on the painted line right in the middle of the road, all hell would break loose.  I just don’t have the fortitude or the compliant kids necessary to get away with that style of parenting, so I’ve been letting my kids wander all over the countryside surrounding the road for a while now and my father himself has commented positively on the results.  (Not that he doesn’t have some reservations, but then again, so do I!)  And it turns out that I was right about my dad too – seeing him hold one of his grandkids is a beautiful thing.

    Now, don’t get me wrong – I have no problem pulling rank and forcing my kids to behave or comply if need be. But my preferred method is always to convince them to go along by choice. One of my proudest parenting moments was when Continue reading »

  • Do Your Kids Know Their Own Story?

    January 20, 2012

    3 Comments

    Trotter children are immediately identifiable by their curly hair

    Each of my children has a story we tell them about some way in which their lives have mattered.  I believe that it’s one thing to tell a kid they are important and that they matter, but it’s something of a gift to them to be able to tell them how they have mattered.  Then they’re not just a lowly child floating out in the world with no real base or purpose to start with.  It grounds the message that they have value in their real world.  It’s concrete evidence for them that just because they exist, the world is a different, better place.

    My oldest Noah was born when his father and I were not married.  If it wasn’t for him, we would not have formed a family and his siblings wouldn’t be here.  And his birth also changed me.  Before having him, if you had walked up to me at any given moment and said, “I’m sorry, only real humans are allowed here.  Penguins such as yourself belong elsewhere” and I would have shrugged at being caught and thanked you for telling me I was a penguin – I had been wondering about that.  I had a bad case of imposter’s syndrome.  Practically from the start, parenting Noah was something I just knew how to do and I felt completely comfortable doing it.  It was almost like working out of an area of spiritual blessing and was an important step on the way to me knowing (hopefully) more and more of who God created me to be. 

    Collin, who is now 12 was born while his dad was very sick.  His medical care was awful but we were young and hadn’t yet realized that the system works differently once your illness has no identifiable cause or treatment.  They eventually told us that he was crazy – really, they did.  They even gave us a black binder with a report saying so.  Continue reading »

  • “Shut Up, Mommy,” Saith the toddler

    December 22, 2011

    Leave a comment

    Tonight, I was telling Olivia, my sweet just about 2 year old, to keep her grubby mitts off the food that was waiting to go into the oven.  She got frustrated with me, grabbed a piece of paper and pretending to read it, said, “shut up, mommy” and handed it to me with a humph.  Oh goodness.  I just laughed at her and moved her away from the food.  Nice try, little one.

    I have always been pretty lax about rude, disrespectful kids.  Yet no one who spends time with my kids would ever describe them as rude or disrespectful.  Just the opposite.  (Don’t worry – they have plenty of other questionable traits!)  Being rude and disrespectful may not get you in trouble around here, but it will get you laughed at and scooted aside.  Great powers do not need to respond to petty beligerance. 

    The day will come when Olivia can be taught the value of kind words.  She’ll learn soon enough; you don’t have to agree with me and you don’t have to like it.  You just have to do what I say.

  • What sort of garden do you grow?

    December 7, 2011

    2 Comments

    The best parenting analogy I have heard compared having a child to being given a plant.  Some plants are more demanding to grow than others.  Some are more sensitive to change.  Some must be nurtured for many seasons before they will show their flowers and bear their fruit.  Others are easy and sunny and thrive on neglect.  We create a lot of trouble when we try to force the artichoke plant that shows up to grow the way an oak tree grows.  After all, who wouldn’t want to be an oak tree?  Well, an artichoke plant, for one.  Or it could just accept that he’s supposed to be an oak tree and be one unhappy, messed-up artichoke plant.

    That is what is at stake as we parent: will we send a healthy, thriving plant out into the world?  Or will we be sending out an artichoke that knows all about how to be an oak tree and nothing about why he should want to be an artichoke.  It’s not easy.  We sometimes don’t know what sort of plant we’ve been given until something goes wrong.  Sometimes we were the ones sent out into the world with no concept of how to be who we are.  And gardening is frustrating.  You can nurture a plant to perfection only to have a rogue deer show up and eat the buds off.   Some plants are just ridiculously difficult to grow.

    For me, I think of it this way: My job is to help my child learn to be the person they are made to be while living in this world.

  • Michaela with her lovely first grade teacher

    What Michaela is Teaching Me

    November 29, 2011

    2 Comments

    Michaela with her lovely first grade teacher

    Michaela is my oldest daughter.  After having 2 boys, I really wanted a daughter and somehow, I wound of with 3 of them (yes I do know how it works!) but Michaela started it all.  And although this might sound like a strange thing to say about a not-quite-7-year-old, I admire Michaela a lot.  She really is the most naturally positive, determined person I know.  When she was very young and trying to do something new like use a hula hoop or throw a ball, you would hear her say to herself, “try, try again.  That’s what dad always says.”  What kid actually says that sort of thing to themselves at 3 and 4?  Michaela.

    Michaela keeps track of the compliments she receives.  She has a list of accomplishments that she’s proud of and willing to share.  When she’s struggling with something, she will calmly put it down and take a break before she gets frustrated and upset.  She finds reasons to ignore negative things people say to her.  If she realizes she’s wrong, she’s more likely to laugh at herself than anything else.  She’s a person of action and her judgement is such that if she offers a suggestion, I stop to think seriously about it.  Her ideas are usually good ones.  She just seems to naturally be the sort of person that I have struggled my whole life to be more like.

    Not that she’s impervious to being hurt.  Recently she came home from school in quite the foul mood.  She insisted she was fine but I got an inkling of the problem when I heard her yell at her brother, “stop it!  You’re hurting my feelings.  People have been hurting my feelings all day.”

    I pulled her aside and sure enough, a group of people she normally plays with at school had shunned her during recess that day.  She cried and we talked about it.  Once she was feeling better and I was starting to talk with her about what to do should this continue to be a problem she told me, “at first I went off to the side of the playground and was really sad.  But then I realized that Max and Adella and Paige were playing tag.  So I just went and played with them.  I’m really good at tag.”  That’s my girl!

    I want to be like Michaela when I grow up! :)

  • deficit

    Apparently My Week Has 8 Days In It

    November 28, 2011

    1 Comment

    I started to do these “Best of the Week” posts a few weeks ago and it seems that my week is consistently 8 days long.  Which I have no doubt that people who have to deal with me would agree is pretty much how I work!  But hey – it’s my blog and it’s free!  (Although you can make a donati0n to support the site using that tip jar over there.)

    So, here’s what I’ve found interesting in the past week:

    Seriously – why is any man in the USA so powerful that he can assign people to hunt down every word said about him and have them go after a high school senior with 65 followers for cracking wise about him on twitter? This is what power being abused looks like. Good for this smart-alecky teen for not giving in!

    Here’s my politics for the week:

    I love neuroscience.  And it’s absolutely fascinating what scientists are starting to parse out from DNA in regards to questions like what makes us human and how our biology influences our thinking and behavior.  Here are two interesting articles on the subject:

    Neanderthal Neuroscience and Neuroscience and Free Will

    I enjoyed this blog post on God or the Bible at Overweights of Joy:

    “Eternal life is to know God and Jesus Christ personally” (John 17:3). We have perhaps defined eternal life as living eternally in heaven. But that was not how Jesus defined it. Eternal life has nothing to do with going to heaven or escaping hell. It has to do with knowing the Lord. To know God intimately and personally has been the passion of my life and the burden of my heart.

    And:

    If Bible knowledge could produce holiness, we should be having the godliest people in history living today. But we don’t. Satan himself would have been holy if Bible knowledge could produce holiness – for no one knows the Bible as well as he does.

    Back into the realm of the scientific: But I Raised Them Right! – What Your Child’s DNA Can Tell You About Parenting.  I am 100% certain that  my two boys have the genetic variant that is associated with not being able to learn from one’s mistakes and negative experiences.

    And on that note, let me just share my parenting thought for the week.  When a family has children with a wide range of ages, it is often observed that parents seem to become less active and more lax than one might expect with the last child.  This is usually attributed to the parents being tired and worn out.  I am here to report that this is not, generally, the problem.  What happens is that by the time you get to your last child, the limits of your ability to shape another human being – even your own child – have become amply clear.

     

  • An example of my 1st grader's homework

    Homework in kindergarten

    November 19, 2011

    4 Comments

    An example of my 1st grader's homework

    So, I have my kids in the local public schools which has real drawbacks and benefits.  One of the things I am struggling with is when – if ever – to push back over some the homework issue.  Like has happened at a lot of schools, homework has creeped down into earlier and earlier grades.  So, my 1st grader has nightly homework and my kindergartener has homework once or twice a week.

    There are so many problems with this.  First of all, there has been a bunch of research into the matter and homework has no benefits – not educational, in fostering good work habits – until at least junior high.  The problem is that this conflicts with deeply ingrained ideas about the importance of starting good habits early, the need to practice those habits, etc.  So although it is literally a fact that homework for elementary kids has no benefit, people think that it must and won’t let go of it.  When confronted, people either deny reality or fall back on another admirable goal: parental involvement.  Which leads to the next problem . . .

    I am very involved in my kids life without your help, thank you very much!  And I don’t particularly feel the need or desire to document the time I spend involved with them.  And what if we go two weeks without reading together and then devour 4 books in a weekend?  I don’t need/want the schools making me feel like part of their job is to hold me accountable for reading to my kids!  The best predictor of whether a kid will be a reader is whether they see their parents reading and how many books are in the house – NOT whether I spend 20 minutes a day reading to them.  Needless to say I read on occassion (ha!  on ocassion.) and I have a few books in the house.  If I got nothing else right while homeschooling, at least I made readers.  I really don’t need or want the school’s help.  This is the one thing which I have held my ground on, I steadfastly refuse to document time spent reading to my kids – not for bribes of pizza or so my kid can get her gold star.  I’m not going to do it.

    But it’s not just the tracking of minutes reading that is a problem.  It’s the homework itself.  The homework is BULLSHIT.  It would be much easier to settle into complacency over sending my kids to school rather than homeschooling if I didn’t actually have to confront the bad pedagogy and pointless drivel which passes for school curriculumn.  Not to mention that it’s pointless to have my daughter “read” the same story each night for a week when by the second night she is reciting it from memory.  This does nothing to help her learn to read.  (And don’t even get me started on spelling lists.)  Seriously, people – sending this crap home each day is not confidence inspiring.

    It doesn't get better - an example of my 7th grader's homework

    I’m struggling with how to handle this.  I don’t believe in telling my kids things that I know aren’t true, so it’s hard for me to try and convince them that homework actually has a point.  Mostly I just focus on the expectation of the teacher that it be done and the star that the teacher will put on her chart when it is done.  I did finally start sending the names of books Michaela read to me or other family members in lieu of reciting the week’s story from memory (I still let her do that when she wants to – memorization is an important skill.  But it doesn’t count as reading.)  I have started refusing to help her with worksheets like the one above and insist that she figure out what she’s supposed to be doing herself instead.  Do I say anything to the teachers?  I know its not really their fault – and they are so sweet and seem to be genuinely good teachers.  It’s not really even something a teacher can do anything about.  Sending home work with kids is something they are all expected to do.  But there is  pressure on my girls to conform and jump through the hoops to get the grades (good skills to have, but hardly what the main focus should be about).  I want them to be successful in school, but I don’t want them to fall for bullshit claptrap like doing things simply to collect gold stars instead of to learn.  I know that my and even my daughter’s teacher’s power to effect change is pretty limited.  Schools are inherently limited in how flexible they can be.  Other parents no doubt completely disagree with my suggestions.  Curriculum is a huge investment and can’t be tossed on a whim.  Etc, etc, etc.  So . . . anyone have any suggestions, insights, experiences to share?  I’m all ears!

     

  • Salt-N-Pepa-copy

    Let’s talk about sex, baby!

    November 15, 2011

    1 Comment

    Note: A few years back I did some writing for a now defunct Christian magazine.  I never put these articles up here because the magazine owns the rights to them, but now that they are defunct, well, I’m going to share!

    In the early ‘90s Salt-n-Peppa famously sang “Let’s talk about sex, baby” and boy, oh boy do we take their exhortations to heart.  Sex is everywhere.  Even young children are constantly barraged with images, information and messages about sex.

    Advertisers and entertainers are busy talking to your kids about sex – are you?  If not, it’s time to get started.

    The reasons people avoid talking with their kids about sex are myriad: squeamishness, fear of saying the wrong things, embarrassment over their own failures.  Unfortunately, there is a whole world out there which isn’t embarrassed to talk to your kids about sex and they don’t care if what they have to say is right or not.   With so much noise, you can’t afford not to be in on the conversation.

    If the idea of talking with your kids about sex is off-putting, consider something reassuring: your children need good, accurate information about human reproduction, but they can get that out of a book.  A lecture explaining the function of “Tab A” and “Slot B” isn’t what they need most from you.  What they need most from you is discussions about human sexuality.  They need to hear what is and isn’t OK and why.  They need talk about love, commitment and purity.   They need an ongoing discussion with Mom and Dad about what it means to be a healthy, Godly sexual person.

    This may seem like an impossible task which pits our cultural milieu against God’s unbending plan for sex.  However, you and God have more influence than you might think.  Polls asking teens and their parents what they think about sex have consistently found that parents and God come out better than might be expected.  A recent survey done by The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy found that the number of teens who listed “parents” as having the greatest influence over their decisions regarding sex outnumbered those picking the next five choices combined.  Additionally, 90% of teens say that providing a strong message in support of abstinence is important.   71% also think that religious leaders have a role in teaching about sex.[1]   Your kids are listening and open to God’s message.

    What should you say to your kids and when?   We would do well to head God’s words in Deuteronomy 6:7 “Impress [these commandments] on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.”  Ideally, your conversation should start as soon as they ask questions about babies and notice differences between men and women and continue on through to adulthood.  This is certainly a different approach than the traditional “birds and bees” talk at adolescence.  However, a billboard along your path advertising “Gentlemen’s” Clubs doesn’t care about your child’s tender age.  Don’t wait until everyone else has had their say to speak up.

    As to what to say to your kids, these core principles should guide you:

    • Stay positive.  God created sex as a beautiful gift, not something dirty or dangerous when used within the boundaries he proscribes.
    • Stay biblical.  God created sex for marriage.  Period.
    • Encourage the avoidance of temptation.  The enemy loves to use our God given desires to harm us.  When we play with temptations, we are cooperating with that mission.
    • Teach God’s superior vision of masculinity.  Almost any male is capable of virility.  However it takes real manliness to practice respect and self-restraint.
    • Teach God’s superior vision of femininity.  A woman who gives her body away will always find someone to tell her she’s beautiful.  A woman with strength and character will be found beautiful without giving her body away.
    • Allow for God’s mercy.  Romans 3:23-24 says “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace. . .”  If you speak condemnation over those who fall short, your child will see you as hard of heart and close his ears to your words.  God freely offers grace – you should to.

    Whether your child is 6 or 16, there’s already a conversation about sex going on.  Make sure you’re in on the discussion!

    [1] Bill Albert, (2007).  With One Voice: America’s Teens and Adults Sound Off About Teen Pregnancy.WashingtonD.C.: National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy.