I was talking with a friend recently and the subject of boundaries came up.  Everyone she knows, my friend told me, struggles with setting appropriate boundaries with people.  I told her that I am not perfect at it, but I do a pretty good job with setting boundaries.  She wanted to know how I do it, but seemed less enthused when I told her the secret: you have to be completely willing to let other people be wrong.  I’m not sure why it is, but we humans seem to have a real problem even contemplating simply tolerating each other’s errors.  We feel like it’s very important to do our part to teach the people around us how to be better people (according to our own understanding of what would make someone a better person, of course).  So, we are upset (rightfully) when people think they know what is good for us and try to impose their view on us.  But we’d really like to reserve the right to do the same thing to those around us.  I would guess that some of this is just deeply ingrained human habit. After all, for most of human history we spent our time with very clear-cut rules, roles and expectations.  Now that we have so much more freedom to make our own choices and judgments, we’re busy stepping all over each other’s toes and we’re just figuring out how to deal with not just our own freedom, but each other’s.

Here’s the thing though: it’s not our job or our right to  evalute other people.  Not to mention that it’s terribly pointless.  How often do we stop to think of how someone will respond to our attempt to point them in the right direction.  And not how we think someone should respond, but how people actually do respond.  I mean, if you can show me one gay person who decided to repent and not be gay because they were told that God says its an abomination, I will eat one of my children.  It’s never happened.  It’s not going to happen.  It probably can’t happen.  The same thing is true of our odds of changing anything about any other person by making it clear just how wrong they are. 

People will try and argue that they have a right or an obligation to point out the right path because these are paths that lead to destruction or hurt people around them.  We can be right as anything about the damage someone could  potentially do to themselves or others, but arguing, lecturing, shunning or otherwise trying to show another their error or the superiority of your way doesn’t do anything about that!  As hard as it can be to accept, we have to learn to let other people find their own way.  We can share our perspectives, but it must be with the understanding that the other person is under no obligation to accept them without damaging the relationship.  

And yes, people will make mistakes and even hurt other people.  This is the way life is.  You cannot change or really do much to even influence this reality.  Hopefully, people will learn from their mistakes.  But one way to make that much more difficult than it needs to be is to let them know ahead of time that they are idiots who are making a huge mistake.  It’s hard enough to be wrong.  It can be next to impossible if being wrong means making someone who doesn’t respect you or approve of you right.

So, here’s the deal on how to set boundaries:

1. Recognize where your boundaries begin and end.  Your own boundaries begin and end between your ears and with your body.  This is yours to control, evaluate, change and direct to your heart’s content.  Really, it takes a lot of nerve to try and direct other people when you can’t even direct yourself well!

2. Recognize the limits of your influence.  We have a few people who we are supposed to influence.  They are our children.  We have a few more people who have agreed to allow us to influence (but not direct or control).  These would be our spouses, friends and some family members.  Other people don’t owe it to us to hear our arguments out, take our evaluations of them seriously or change to be more acceptable to us – no matter how superior our arguments, evaluations and directions may be.  In fact, other people are well within their rights to treat such attempts as an assault on their sovereignty over their own lives.

3. Don’t take anything personally.  You are captain of your own life and keeper of your own soul.  As is everyone else.  What people do or say is all about them and nothing about you.  Even if they are directing what they say or do towards you, it is still coming out of who they are.  So let people have their own opinions – even about you.  This also has the benefit of being able to listen and hear any words of wisdom coming your way that you would normally miss because of your indignation.

4. Once you have a good idea of where your own boundaries ought to be, it is much easier to both recognize when someone is trying to violate your boundaries and not to let it bother you.  The big thing that I think boundaries do is help us identify what are our problems and what are other people’s problems.  If someone doesn’t like the way you are doing something and it doesn’t involve them, they are the one with a problem, not you.  If someone wants you to do something for them, that is their desire and responsibility, not yours.  You may still choose to help them out, but it’s your choice and not your obligation.  If someone is upset over something you did or chose, that’s both their right and their problem.  We shouldn’t carelessly do things that people find hurtful, but the reality is that our reactions and emotions are our own responsibility.

So, if we aren’t supposed to be trying to guide, instruct and influence the people around you, what are you supposed to do?  Let me share a conversation I had recently with a rather fierce, unbending, but good-hearted Christian man.  He was telling me about reading a bible verse that referenced homosexuals parading in the streets or some such thing.  And he was pointing out that this could be a direct reference to the gay pride parades that are common in many cities.  I agreed that this was probably so, but told him, “Let me tell you where the church is wrong.  People who are gay uniformly tell us that being gay is something they had a sense of for as long as they can remember.  Whatever triggers homosexuality, this is the uniform perception of people who are dealing with it and we have no right to try and convince them otherwise*.  So, the church’s response is to tell them to be celibate*.  And it’s not presented as a good choice – it’s presented as a requirement* which someone who is gay has no right to reject or accept according to their own will*.  Do you know the sort of monumental faith a person would need to have in order to give up their sexuality entirely in the service of God?  Is the church raising people with that much faith?  Very few of us could do what we demand that homosexuals do, but we act as if because it’s the right thing to do, it should be something they could do if they would just choose to*.  We have no right to tell people to do things we can’t do ourselves or to reject people when they decide that they can’t or won’t follow the path we see as best.  The problem is that we are trying to do a job – judging, directing the steps of someone’s life*, etc – that we haven’t been given to do.  We have very specifically been told to love people.  Everything else Christians have been trying to do is God’s job and we need to trust Him to do it.  He doesn’t need and hasn’t asked for our help.  Besides, gay people already know the standard Christian opinions on homosexuality; it’s not like they need us to tell them* all the time.  So, we just need to love people for who they are and leave the rest to God.” 

Learning to respect the boundaries of others and keep our own is the real core of tolerance.  It doesn’t require us to give up our own opinions or values, but it does require us to accept that the right of those around us to be wrong.  The reward is not having others trying to tell you who you should be or how you should live your life.  That’s God’s job alone and he does a much better job of it than your average mother-in-law!

*The words proceeding each asterix are examples of ways we over-step boundaries.